I've had another sleepless night.
I went to a women's dinner party last night. I didn't want to go but I had already committed and couldn't get out of it. My self professed neat freak, and clueless about hoarding friend from my previous blog was there. She was sitting at a table and motioned for me to come sit next to her, but I shook my head and sat in the closest chair I could get to where the table was mostly full. My emotions are still tender and I wasn't ready to talk to her, so I avoided her completely. I even left early so she couldn't find me after.
I still love my friend like a sister. She has done so much for me. We've had some really great times together. And I believe we will have more.
But for now my feelings are still to raw. She didn't respect me enough to believe me when I told her she couldn't help me. And any attempt to do so would hurt me and make my depression and frustration worse. She wouldn't understand that her actions have caused me to dive into such paralyzingly depressed state that I've already lost two days.
I wish I could just pull out of it. I hate feeling this way.
I know that when people are hurting, the ones closest to them just want to make it all better. Sometimes they can, but sometimes the can't. Knowing and excepting when they can't is the hard part.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
People just don't get it.
When I'm mad about something I find writing it down makes a difference.
I'm mad at one of my best friends.
She came to my home and wanted to talk. "Lets go get a Coke" she said. Against my better judgement I went. I had a feeling I shouldn't, but because she's a good friend I did.
First thing she said when we were in the car was "are you OK". I knew it! She wanted to talk about me.
So then I made my second mistake and said, quite frankly "no I'm not OK, but I don't want to talk about it with anyone who doesn't have the same issues because they can't possibly understand and they all try to fix me & everybody knows what I should do to fix my problem & they just end up making me feel worse" I took a breath and said "a whole lot worse"
I'll be danged if within an hour she didn't do exactly that. She made me feel worse, so much worse that after laying in bed wide awake, I finally got up at 1:00 am and took a diazepam to calm me down. Then I went into the living room to calm myself down for an hour or so. Then I was up at 6:00 am crying and feeling worse again. Then I just got mad!
So . . . Still in the car, the conversation continued like this . . .
My friend: "Have I done that? Have I made you feel worse?"
Me: "Yes you have"
My friend: "Oohh, If I have (she actually did say if), if I have I'm so sorry"
I think she actually meant it. She's just clueless.
We went to McDonald's. She orders a coke & I order a hot fudge Sunday. (I'm trying to do less caffeine). We sit down and she starts right in, doing it again. She says she knows she doesn't understand & can't understand. (understatement because she is a self professed neat freek). But . . . she has this friend . . .(here we go) . . .who she believes she has fixed. She holds up her hand and curls her fingers side ways, miming holding a paper cup, and tossing it, as she says "This friend didn't know she could throw a paper cup in the garbage".
. . . HUH! . . .RIGHT! And this is going to help me how? Is that how she sees me? I keep the common areas of my house pretty clean, maybe not by her standards, but I feel confident letting people visit. As long as they don't go wandering.
If I ask her if that's how she see's me she would say - "Oh my goodness no, that's not at all what I meant. I don't see you that way!"
. . . . UH HUH
Then she said "I told my friend to just pick a spot, like maybe her night stand, and say to herself 'OK this is my space and no one but me can put any thing in it, and I won't let it get messy'. She told her friend that then you'll have one clean spot and you can go to the next one, and so on, and so on, and after a while your whole house will get cleaned."
La de dah de flippen dah
GRRRRR! Does she really think that telling me to do exactly what others have told me, exactly what I've told myself, exactly what I have done umpteen hundred times and exactly what I try to do over and over again, was helpful.
She doesn't have a clue. She doesn't have even 1% of an understanding. How could she.
Does she really think I haven't done that ? Does she think I don't have areas in my house that are mine? Does she really think it makes a difference in how I feel and how frustrated I am.
Well it does make a difference in how I feel, and it's not better
Now here is the topping on the already moldy cake. She actually said "Let me tell you about this elephant". I've known about the elephant most of my life.
GRRRR! & SCREAM! & PULL MY HAIR OUT!!!
I should have told her that I've eaten many, many elephants. That I'm sick to death of elephants. Elephants make my want to puke. But, she still wouldn't get it.
Link for: How to eat an elephant
No one who hasn't been here can understand how helpless and hopeless I feel. No one who doesn't feel paralyzed by having too much accumulation of stuff could possibly understand. It's way beyond a physically issue. It's an awful emotional one.
People say "I get that". But they don;t
So I'm writing all this down to get it on my screen and off my mind, hoping that I won't have another paralyzed, brain dead, depressing day. Except that now I"m very tired as well as mad.
And I'm telling myself . . once again . . . "Don't talk about it - Don't tell anyone - People don't understand.
They just don't.
I'm mad at one of my best friends.
She came to my home and wanted to talk. "Lets go get a Coke" she said. Against my better judgement I went. I had a feeling I shouldn't, but because she's a good friend I did.
First thing she said when we were in the car was "are you OK". I knew it! She wanted to talk about me.
So then I made my second mistake and said, quite frankly "no I'm not OK, but I don't want to talk about it with anyone who doesn't have the same issues because they can't possibly understand and they all try to fix me & everybody knows what I should do to fix my problem & they just end up making me feel worse" I took a breath and said "a whole lot worse"
I'll be danged if within an hour she didn't do exactly that. She made me feel worse, so much worse that after laying in bed wide awake, I finally got up at 1:00 am and took a diazepam to calm me down. Then I went into the living room to calm myself down for an hour or so. Then I was up at 6:00 am crying and feeling worse again. Then I just got mad!
So . . . Still in the car, the conversation continued like this . . .
My friend: "Have I done that? Have I made you feel worse?"
Me: "Yes you have"
My friend: "Oohh, If I have (she actually did say if), if I have I'm so sorry"
I think she actually meant it. She's just clueless.
We went to McDonald's. She orders a coke & I order a hot fudge Sunday. (I'm trying to do less caffeine). We sit down and she starts right in, doing it again. She says she knows she doesn't understand & can't understand. (understatement because she is a self professed neat freek). But . . . she has this friend . . .(here we go) . . .who she believes she has fixed. She holds up her hand and curls her fingers side ways, miming holding a paper cup, and tossing it, as she says "This friend didn't know she could throw a paper cup in the garbage".
. . . HUH! . . .RIGHT! And this is going to help me how? Is that how she sees me? I keep the common areas of my house pretty clean, maybe not by her standards, but I feel confident letting people visit. As long as they don't go wandering.
If I ask her if that's how she see's me she would say - "Oh my goodness no, that's not at all what I meant. I don't see you that way!"
. . . . UH HUH
Then she said "I told my friend to just pick a spot, like maybe her night stand, and say to herself 'OK this is my space and no one but me can put any thing in it, and I won't let it get messy'. She told her friend that then you'll have one clean spot and you can go to the next one, and so on, and so on, and after a while your whole house will get cleaned."
La de dah de flippen dah
GRRRRR! Does she really think that telling me to do exactly what others have told me, exactly what I've told myself, exactly what I have done umpteen hundred times and exactly what I try to do over and over again, was helpful.
She doesn't have a clue. She doesn't have even 1% of an understanding. How could she.
Does she really think I haven't done that ? Does she think I don't have areas in my house that are mine? Does she really think it makes a difference in how I feel and how frustrated I am.
Well it does make a difference in how I feel, and it's not better
Now here is the topping on the already moldy cake. She actually said "Let me tell you about this elephant". I've known about the elephant most of my life.
GRRRR! & SCREAM! & PULL MY HAIR OUT!!!
I should have told her that I've eaten many, many elephants. That I'm sick to death of elephants. Elephants make my want to puke. But, she still wouldn't get it.
Link for: How to eat an elephant
People say "I get that". But they don;t
So I'm writing all this down to get it on my screen and off my mind, hoping that I won't have another paralyzed, brain dead, depressing day. Except that now I"m very tired as well as mad.
And I'm telling myself . . once again . . . "Don't talk about it - Don't tell anyone - People don't understand.
They just don't.
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